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just so you know

So I figured ima do a detailed update on life the past few months and why I'm back. I'll try not to ramble too much. I'lll keep it as quick and short as possible.
Basically, in February this girl who I'd really liked since last February and I started seeing each other. We saw each other on and off up until about June. She kept breaking it off and then wanting to get back together. Everyone told me I was fucking stupid, but then she told me she loved me...and because I honestly felt the same and I don't say it unless I mean it, I naively thought that the whole world was the same. And then she literally broke my heart into a million pieces. I fell for her hard. And she's just completely broken me as a person. She destroyed all my trust in people. She's destroyed what little self-confidence I've had. And on top of that, I've lost a best friend. We tried being friends afterwards. But she then decided that I was a two-faced bitch who betrays all her friends and she doesn't want me in her life anymore. It's all complete shit. I know she's just trying to shift the blame because she feels bad. Or maybe it'd because she's jealous that I'm getting on with my life and not letting her (openly) affect me. But it doesn't stop it from hurting. So ever since the 2nd time she broke things off with me, I've been giving myself fake happiness through drink and drugs and no-strings sex. Which obviously just makes me feel so much worse the next day. But now one of my best friends has told me she's worried and she wants me to stop. So. I'm now trying to not do drugs. Cut down my drinking. Smoking I can't stop but I guess I'm trying to cut down too. And the other thing just has to stop anyway. Although, like I said previously, it's nice to feel attractive. Although now I'm back in reality. And reality sucks.
I know this seems like a stupid way to react to a break-up. But that's not the only thing that's happened to me in this space of time.
I love my dad to death. More than anyone else in the world. I found out a couple of months ago that he is not my father. He's infertile, so me and my brother are both products of sperm donors. Making him only my half-brother. Obviously, it doesn't affect how I feel about my dad. He is my dad. He's been there for me my whole life and done a better job than any other man could have done and I'll never ever love him any less than I do. But it was such a life-shattering thing to find out...and my problem is I don't let out my feelings. I'm the agony aunt to my friends. And they all know this because I deal with things FAR too well. AKA I keep it all inside and pretend I'm fine.
There's a few other issues that I've had but I guess they're the main two. And this, sadly, is the only way I know how to deal. Especially now that the drugs have been 'banned'. Control is all I need.
Anyway, I think I'm done rambling. Off to a BBQ in a couple of hours. Joy.
I cannot wait till September 23rd. I get to go see The Used for the first time since Taste Of Chaos 2007. And their new album. Wow. And then I have Alexisonfire on October 14th and Skindred on October 20th. Bring it on.
urgh. god. my weight keeps fluctuating so much. and right now its at the high end. and i feel like crap.
although last night i was at a party and i got told by quite a few guys that i was hot. and i met a really nice guy. who unfortunately is in a relationship. but its just, you know, that little confidence boost you need sometimes. people to be interested in you...

Aug. 27th, 2009

relapsing sucks.
but at the same time, im kinda glad about it...
recently ive dropped like 7lbs without even trying.
and that just totally kicked started this.
i wanna be healthy.
but i never will be.
i might as well accept that im always gonna have issues with food.
and be thankful that itll stop me becoming obese.
goddamn ive been missing a long time.

Jan. 14th, 2009

i really need to sort out my sleeping patterns.
got my interview tomorrow and im still all coldy. joy.
im feeling good about today.

if you feel like dying you might wanna sing

ive got a cold :( its sucks. i feel so bleurgh and run down. i hope i feel better for my interview on thursday. sneezing over them would not be a good move, i dont think.
i got up at like midday and i had a couple of pieces of toast with my dad and thats all im going to eat today. just water, tea and coffee until i got to bed. and im also going to start a liquid fast...well, now i guess...at least 48 hours. i also really need to work out an exercise routine. its so random right now. im gonna do an hour of cardio and 30 minutes of strength tonight. and i may go swimming with my mum tomorrow.
i was on the phone to one of my best friends [and ex boyfriend...ill probably talk about him a lot, so his names karl. that saves a long explanation everytime haha] last night and he said a couple of thing which really made me smile. firstly he said "i was gonna text you earlier saying this, but i thought youd think i was a bit weird, but if someone asked me who i thought the nicest person to walk this planet was, id say you" and then he was just saying i looked pretty in a few recent photos...like, new year and the leaving party and stuff. i dunno. just made me feel a bit better about myself.
anyway, liquid fast, here i come. x

im my own worst enemy

so food wise was okay yesterday. not amazing, but i can deal. today...hmm already not so good. but i wont be eating again today.
went out last night with my best friend laura. there was suppose to be a big group but everyone cancelled, cuz we have real reliable friends [except one guy who had a valid reason - he'd lost all his ID - but then found it as me and laura were on our way to london so came up and met us later, which was awesome]. anyway...uhm yeah so laura was really pissed off and so just not in the mood anymore, but i managed to just get her out and up to the club and she had a really good night and was real thankful to me, bless her :) its at this venue we love, we've been to so many gigs there, but theyre knocking it down for some reason, so this was the last time this club night was gonna be held there, so we had to go. its a rock club, so there were loads of fucking skinny ass scene girls. who i cant stand, but theyre still inspirational and made me feel awful. they should put some clothes on though. thats the thing with me, even if i was a stick and 100% in love with my body, id still just throw on my jeans and chucks and a tee. when im at a gig im there to have fun. im never happier than when im with my best friends, listening to awesome music, surrounded by equally as happy, sweaty people who are just there to have a good time. not get laid. but thats just me :) i sound really lame, i know. but stick me in a room playing punk music and you lose me.
my friend tom is moving to australia for a year and its his leaving party tonight. should be fun. i probably wont stay too long though seeing as i didnt get in till 5 this morning.
i think ive caught a cold because id rather walk home from the train station in minus degree temperatues than call my dad and ask him to come pick me up because a] its exercise and b] ill burn even MORE calories trying to keep warm. fucks sake.
hope everyones good. x

Jan. 9th, 2009

i dont even want to talk about it.

edit - wait, i actually want to do an entry with even a slight point to it or at least some sort of ramble to be read.
food wise, everything sucks right now. i keep being really good, and then my mum will randomly decide to take me out for lunch on her day off. or my dad will decide to cook a big meal or order in food. my parents are divorced. have been for a good...oo 11 years now. i think i was about 8 at the time. but anyway...im not working right now. ive got interviews and stuff but because everything economy-wise is shitty right now, i havent had a lot of luck. [got one next thursday though. fingers crossed. i need it so bad. im running out of money.] so...yeah basically im at home a lot and because im home and bored with nothing to do, i eat. but ive also just come off my period and thats the suckiest time ever. not that thats a fricking excuse. sorry about the random little mini life story in there. i dont tihnk anyone even reads this, but only just now as ive started to write ive realised i just need to...get this out...talk...about nothing and everything. i cant talk to my friends about this. no one really knows how bad this is. a few close friends know i used to... "used to" have bulimia, but again, they dont really know how bad it was. but yeah, im like the agony aunt in my circle of friends. and i dont have a problem with that at all. i love being the one that people can turn to and im pretty good at helping i think. my mum thinks i should be a therapist. but i get so guilty about dumping problems on people that i just...dont. i keep everything to myself. everyone sees me as this totally normal, amazingly happy, up for anything kinda girl. and i guess i am when im around them. but oh god i hate how different i am when im on my own. even just how i am in my head when im out. i cant even go for a drink with my best friends without being all 'fuck fuck calories...whats low calorie...' in my head. and i know im not the only one and it just sounds like im moaning but i never moan...and like i said, no ones actually going to read this, so i figure im gonna moan to myself as much as i like.
oh god i sound so selfish. i hate myself sometimes.
its not even my eating problems that bug me. im so lonely with not having a 'special someone'. not necessarily a boyfriend. but...just someone whos a bit more than a friend without it just being...sex. and someone that i can moan to like this. knowing that they wont mind and arent going to get annoyed.
maybe i will talk to my best friend about it. hes also my ex. we were together for 2 years and broke up on january 1st 2008. so over a year now. and i personally think we're closer than ever. he was also the one who kinda helped me overcome my bulimia when it was at its worst. so in a way id feel bad talking to him about it because he thinks ive been fine and 'over it' for years now, so itll just seem like all his hard work was for nothing and i lied to him. but also...i kinda think hed just get annoyed and be all 'oh my god, ive told you a million times, you have nothing to worry about weight wise'. which. obviously. i completely disagree with.

okay. im so over this. i hate being the one with issues.
i also hate that i could go on about a number of different things right now.
why am i some full of complaints? i know i have a good life. i dont appreciate it enough.
i just need the final few creases ironed out. but they dont seem like they ever will be.
if anyone actually read all that. wow. thank you. and im so sorry.

ally x
so i went for a jog.
but dear god did i binge like mad today.
ive realised that i find it so much easier to fast than to restrict. its like, as soon as i put something in my mouth, i cant stop.
going to the cinema in a few minutes with a couple of friends. glad to be getting out the house. may work out when i get home. if i wear myself out i might actually get a decent nights sleep.
im gonna liquid fast for tuesday and wednesday at least.
it snowed over night. and is still kinda snowing now.
im gonna go for a run.
today i binged.
yesterday i binged.
the day before that i binged.
every single fucking day i binge.
but i have made myself a plan that hopefully i can stick to.
i also have a reason [apart from that fact that i drastically need to] for losing weight quickly. one of my good friends is moving to australia for a year, and then possibly on to new zeland for a couple of months, and its his leaving party on saturday. if i get through this week and lose these first few pounds, i know ill get that last little kick and bit of motivation i need to do this once and for all.